The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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