You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
