Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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