I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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