It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
