dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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