I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I can text with my tongue
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
