I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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