Just fell off a train. Bad.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
