I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
