I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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