i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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