Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
