just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
