ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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