I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
