just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize