It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
