I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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