Just cropdusted the office
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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