He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
