I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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