I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
