I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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