Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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