Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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