halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
