Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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