I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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