this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
