He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
