Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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