How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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