i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
