she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
