When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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