There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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