remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I have aggressive nipples.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
