I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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