Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Randomize