Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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