I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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