I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
