Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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