You can't motorboat a personality
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
last night I used snow as a chaser
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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