Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
