Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
a search helicopter?!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
