sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
