Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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