he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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