Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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