I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
