So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I fill condoms, not promises.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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