Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
