I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
