haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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