My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
